I’ve been reflecting on what makes for a good and enduring relationship. Over the years, I’ve asked couples celebrating a 40th or 50th anniversary what their secret is, and some of the answers have been surprisingly simple: “Marriage is a choice. I choose my spouse every single day.”
Those words carry more depth than we may realize.
When two people first meet, they may be drawn to certain qualities in one another. Kindness. Beauty. Personality. Shared interests. But the reality is that over the course of life, all of those things can evolve and change. Circumstances change. Stages of life change. And if a relationship is built only on specific qualities or conveniences, what happens when those things shift?
A lasting marriage means that the relationship runs deeper than any single characteristic. It is not merely love for certain qualities. It is a soulful bond that transcends the qualities themselves. Marriage means: “I choose you,” because our connection itself has become essential and unconditional.
Interestingly, we just celebrated Shavuot, the holiday that commemorates the marriage between G-d and the Jewish people. And unlike other major Jewish holidays, Shavuot has almost no defining physical features.
On Passover we eat matzah and sit at a Seder. On Sukkot we sit in the Sukkah and wave the Four Species. But Shavuot has no central physical symbol at all. Why?
Because Shavuot represents something deeper than symbolism. It represents commitment itself. At Sinai, G-d chose the Jewish people, and the Jewish people chose G-d. A marriage. An unconditional bond. Any external feature would almost distract from the essence of the day.
And perhaps this idea affects Judaism in our own lives as well. If we do things only because of the benefits they provide us, then the moment those benefits weaken or disappear, our commitment may disappear with them. For example, if the only reason a person values Shabbat is because it creates beautiful family time, what happens later in life when the children grow older and leave the house, or when life becomes busier and more complicated? But when something is rooted in identity, purpose, and an unconditional bond, it endures through changing circumstances and is far more likely to be passed on to our children and grandchildren as well.